Folding Sweaters

So as I attempted to fold my sweater in our fancy new closet, after a long day of work, I got to thinking….what jobs could I not do (and which ones would be kinda cool).  When life gives you lemons, why not make pretend lemonade.  So without hesitation….here’s 5 jobs I couldn’t do and 5 “dream’ jobs.  Heck, might be fun to think what would be on your list.

5 Nightmare Jobs:

1) Work at the Gap.  Or any clothing store for that matter.  I can handle the register.  Set up displays.  Ogle scantily clad female patrons and tell them “Yes that dress makes you look super thin, sweety“.  Alas what I can not do is fold clothes.  I tried three times to fold my sweater so it’d look nice on the new closet shelf, all organized and tidy.  It looked like I stuffed the cat and shoe horned it beneath my t-shirts.  I can hammer and paint, do things that most men can’t…but I will never, ever be able to fold clothing.

sweater abuse, documented for the authorities

sweater abuse, documented for the authorities

2) Drywaller.  I’m sure with time I’d get decent at it.  And the fancy new materials they have like dustless mud and integrated taped corners make the job super weekend warrior friendly.  But man, I just lack the patience to even remotely endure, let alone like drywalling.  I’ll leave it to the experts.

3) Electrician.  Electricity freaks me out.  I have the uncanny knack of screwing something up…skipping a step or mis-interpreting something.  If it’s a painting I paint over it.  If it’s rough framing I can always redo it or reinforce it.  I can turn a wrench on the suspension of my Jeep all day long.  With electrical I’m just flat out scared or spooked by it all.  Even if the chance of death is remote, like with low voltage stuff…I just don’t get it.  Heck my four year old fixed his broken Nerf gun by fixing a loose wire.  Me?  I’ll stick to non-electrical endeavors.

4) Doctor.  Really cause I can’t stand blood and whatnot (plus my hands are far from surgical steady).  When I gut a deer I have about 7 minutes and 32 seconds to get the deed mostly done before I start overthinking about it and what I had for lunch.  I’ve smashed my finger and cut myself numerous times and I will freely admit, every time I do it, I go crying like a 12 year old girl to my wife so she can patch me up.  I have a remarkably high threshold for pain.  I have a remarkably low threshold for exposed bone, blood and guts.

5) Anything sports related (save maybe golf, or skiing at one time).  I’ve literally tried everything over my 39 years.  From baseball (zero batting average), to cross country (quit after a week), to football (endless running around a track during practice), to bowling (miracle if I break 100).  You name it, I suck at it.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sports and I’ve even been ridiculed for being “too competitive”.  I just lack coordination.  Let’s just be happy that the family is not depending on me to provide based on my athletic prowess.

5 Dream Jobs:

1) Pro Golfer.  Okay, okay if you’ve played with me you know this isn’t even remotely possible.  I’m lucky to break 100 for 18 holes.  But that’s beside the point.  Golf is a really great game and it requires imagination, skill, discipline and its rules are generally congruent with life’s rules.  I don’t care how old you are or what your demographic is.  Go learn to play golf.  If I was younger and independently wealthy, I’d play every day.  Who know’s if I played that much maybe I’d be halfway decent.

2) Offroad guide.  I don’t know how you’d make a living doing it but I think it’d be cool as heck to camp out, wear cool outdoor-sy clothing and spend entire days guiding offroad trucks across trails.  I don’t even know if this is a job but I do know if it is, whoever is doing it is really happy going to work everyday.

3) Restore Cars.  Since we got cable tv all I do is watch car restoration shows and home improvement shows.  I’ve done some work on the Jeep and someday I will restore it when my boys are old enough to help.  It looks like it’d be a really enjoyable job; finding old cars, fixing ’em up and selling ’em off or restoring them for clients.  Plus I’m a car guy so what would be cooler then hanging around living examples of automotive history.

4) Gentleman Farmer.  This one I might actually do in my free time.  I really want to run a micro farm, with veggies, bees, animals and whatnot.  Don’t ask me why, probably just some misguided romantic notion or maybe some deep seeded need to commune with the land.  Regardless I think it’d be neat and I already have a cool hat….so no sense it just sitting on the shelf all Summer.

5) Whatever job lets you go through abandoned stuff.  I don’t know…maybe it’s the voyeur in me but I love looking at and going through old buildings.  Imagining who lived or worked there.  I just think it’s really cool.  Especially cause they don’t make a lot of the buildings like they used to.  I can stare at photos of abandoned buildings online for hours.  Just really cool stuff.  Then of course I feel dirty and need to get back to my brand new house and take a shower.  But hey the escapism is fun for a little while.

Ok that’s my list off the top of my head.  What’s your list?  If you don’t have one make one. Who knows maybe you’ll decide now’s the time to go for it.


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